nobody's favourite artist
i've been really struggling to word this one. i feel like every artist knows this except me
i think too many of my personal projects depend way too much on other people's opinions for me to consider it a success. im not anti-player or anything, but other people's judgment on something you've made for yourself is pretty unhelpful
a thing that keeps getting in my way is that i often neuter my own ideas to account for an imaginary audience. organic ideas im excited about get filtered by some internal naive closed-minded critic to make it better suit the expectations of a made up nebulous market
it kind of ruins the art, the hobby, the fun thing i do on weekends
so, this is the part im struggling to word. heres what im talking about:
i got my first mean comment on A Love Story About Love
its just kind of hilarious, like, this dumb thing should be hated way more im actually kind of pissed off that people like it so much
when making this game, the last thing i was thinking about was the player. i used stock images, youtube-to-mp3 music, and pretty unrecognisable self indulgent references. this game was just for me
(then it got itch.io front page fuuuuuckkkk)
but, because i made this game just for me, there is no amount of hate i could get for this game that would even remotely impact me. i said something i wanted to say, i am proud of it and always will be
in contrast, if i got this comment on Permuter, the game i made specifically to Be Sold to The Marketā¢, i'd be devastated. i'd probably be so ashamed i'd take the game down. i've done this many times before, in all seriousness. im not showing you how many itch.io games ive had to private just because one commenter called it boring...
(it puts a pit in my stomach to even say Permuter was a game "for the market" because it's so unimpressive and derivative. i think that's what you get for trying too hard to appease an imaginary broad audience. by definition, a new novel idea has no audience, because it's novel. and if it has no audience, it'll be weeded out by your inner critic for being too risky and unproven. so what you're left with after all the weeding is a bucket of things we've seen a million times before)
i think when art is not created on a foundation of pride, or identity, or truth, it's completely open to all attacks. real pride and trust in your art is like armour and it'll stand up against harsh judgement so much better
but, in the same way im invunerable to criticism on my honest art - i am unreceptive to praise on art i am not proud of
it doesn't matter how many people say kind things about it - i can't really take the compliments. every piece of praise is reshaped into something that conforms with my belief that the thing i make sorta sucks - "they're just being kind, but deep down, they know it sucks too"
i know ive played this song a million times but i can't get over the reception of my shitty self indulgent vn
when i sat down to make something honest and stupid and about something that happened to me that i really care about, the results were immediate. i wanted to write forever, bursting out of me as if it was an old habit. a learned-helpless animal trapped its whole life has just found its cage door opened, cautious and confused until its feet hit the ground and it realised where it was and ran and ran
im a little embarassed to write this, both because im over analysing what is basically "0yr old baby has their first ever game idea", and because i'm implying im some sort of victim of other people's expectations when the reality is that nobody truly demands any steadfastness in the quality of what i make
so maybe this is the point i've been missing for a long time; you can really just make things and chill out and get out of your own head. don't self-filter so much, because people are looking for something real, even if it's ugly or cringe or jank. something that's fun, recognisable and is identifiably your own is worth so much more than anything technically impressive or labour intensive. im definitely realising this far too late, but maybe this is a vital step in every artist's life where they realise that painting beautiful realism is just jerking off critics instead of stirring emotions in real life people who actually matter
i feel im just trying to jerk everyone off and doing a bad job.. it's a terrible feeling to make everything for other people to judge, and even then being unable to receive praise... i gotta jerk myself off once in a while!! infact ill just jerk myself off for the rest of time
i hope the next thing i make will be just for me. if someone says it sucks i can say "you just dont get it..." while smoking a big bunt. that is all thank you
also thank you domino club and tails jekel
i realised this post is kinda what A Love Story About Love is literally about. soirry ive only ever had 1 thought byee